Back on Track

After a five month hiatus, I’m back on track. Thank God I didn’t ruin this blog during my time away. My blog dutifully sits here, looming, as does my Bible, worship music and all else God-related. I don’t know why I fell. There are no excuses. No one to blame. I selfishly ignored God and ran after my own wants. THERE. It’s said. I turned my back on my Creator for five whole months clutching fistfuls of selfishness, hurt, anger and rebellion. My lack of faith in God to be the Lord over all of my circumstances led me to stumble.

I run from God and His people because I can’t get a grip. I can’t let go of my own desires and trust God to fulfill them for me. I’m obsessed with my own wants. So I run, run, run like my dogs off-leash in an open field. Seeking my own ways apart from His truth. I get really far and out of my breath–just like my dogs–and wonder: NOW WHAT?

Of course I know I’ll be back to the King of Kings. I won’t be gone forever. It’s just a break. My heart justifies itself. I can’t explain exactly what I’m doing, but my eyes are out-of-focus: off God; onto people; onto me. He’s off the throne; I’m living my way. Christians aren’t supposed to do this–right? Well I did–and I’m a Christian, so I guess sometimes we can. Not always–but take heed lest ye fall–no one is perfect.

The real test is can you be honest with the world, God and yourself when you come back? Can you tell the world around you that you’re a sinner, saved by grace? Can you be humble and transparent, admitting that your life is not pleasing to God? Can you confess your sins and move on? Can you forgive yourself for your misadventures? Can you withstand naysayers?

I can. And did.

In a moment of boldness, I publicly re-dedicate my life to the Lord Jesus Christ on Facebook. I am pretty active on Facebook, so it’s an ordeal for me. It was once a way for me to fulfill my own desires. A place to be me apart from my faith and my God. Not anymore. It’s time to return to my first love, to forgo my reputation and embrace the favor of the one who will never leave me or forsake me. God, my only hope.

When I make this move, it is not particularly wonderful. My heart doesn’t leap with joy. I truthfully enjoy some parts of my time away. I enjoy missing church on Sundays, doing whatever I please. Rebellion has its benefits, so I don’t particularly WANT to give my life to the Lord again. Deep down I want to keep things the way they are, but my pain drives me on. Straight to the heart of God.

I am hurting. In pain, having no where to turn. Life is not working out the way I want it or need it to go. Once again, I am shattered. I need God comfort me. The only way I can run to God for comfort is through relationship with Him, so I have some work to do first. I write the following note on my News Feed, and tag a few Christians as a public display of my newfound devotion.

God, if you’re real, come into my life. Be Lord of my life. Show me your mercy. Pick me up and put me on solid ground. I repent Lord. Wash me clean. Help me remain faithful. I need the power of your mighty hand to sustain me because I, on my own… am a piece of burnt toast. Thank you Jesus for my salvation. Halleluiah!

Like I say, I don’t feel emotions attached to the words–except maybe a twinge of regret. It’s the right thing to do. I have a dash of uncertainty mixed with hope that I can make good on my commitment. But I know my God, having served Him faithfully for 14 years prior, since 1995. He will meet me where I cannot go. I can lean on Him to make my words true, supernaturally. By His Spirit.

The next day, I’m much the same, perhaps a wee bit stronger. It feels nice to pray again; speaking to God as Father. It feels good to wake in the morning and remember His love for me. Intimacy with the Lord is so peaceful. He is so gracious. So ready to forgive. Reassuring. I bask in His presence, if only for a moment or two–still it’s longer than the past five months.

Day three and four of my reconversion draw me closer to Him and stronger with each heart beat. Sins start falling off. I set-off facing the struggles and insecurities that I’ve been drowning with other things. My hurting soul pours out to God, a little at a time, how I’m feeling. He comforts me and shows me that He is my answer. I consider my brokenness in light of what His Word says of me and my life. Through this spiritual exercise, I gain strength for today.

Is it easy? No. Everyone is happy for me now and I have support today, but I must be ready to stay strong in-season and out-of-season. I must focus on God and stay on track despite the temptations, hurts and frustrations that I am sure to encounter next week. Next month. Next year. Thankfully I also get His many blessings that are sure to overtake me. No matter. There’s no turning back again. I’m running to God. He’s the only thing in this world that’s true. I will be writing about my experiences in this blog, so stay tuned.

I was injured. I was out, but today I’m back on track. Ready to serve my God to the finish line. Hope you’re running right beside me.

Let Us Run With Perseverance The Race That Is Set Before Us… Romans 12:1

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